To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there’s the rub,For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
Not for the first time I have sat and watched the light slowly creep into the valley, wondering what it was that sat quite uncomfortably with me.
Awake since 3am and no chance of sleep returning I made my way down to the kitchen and watched the steam rise from the kettle as I waited patiently for it to boil. Standing at the countertop and longing to be under the duvet dreaming is becoming a regular occurence. Is it age? Is it lack of mental stimulation. Maybe it is a combination of both. It certainly isn’t a lack of physical activity as I am more active than I have been in many years.
Slowly sipping my chamomile tea I make my way to the windows and sit at the bench. Peering out into the blackness of the village I look up to the stars knowing that the sky is so vast and yet I feel confined, claustrophobic even, here in this small village in the mountains. It irks me that I am feeling this way. This was supposed to be me stepping off, moving away from the chaos and noise that is inevitable as part of the corporate lifestyle, the hustle and bustle of the city, the lifeblood of everyday modern life. So why then do I feel so empty, so devoid of emotion and so very restricted?
I have too much time to think, not enough things to think about.Just space, empty space in my head allowing all of those emotions and thoughts that I have pushed away for so long to crowd in and fill my head with questions. Why did I leave the world behind? What am I looking for? What do I want my life to be? Is it always going to be this way?
Slowly the light creeps over the mountains and down into the valley. At once I realise that I miss watching the sunrise. The changing colours as the world wakes up, the beauty in the way that the light bathes the earth, making even the ugliest landscape beautiful and I decide, I must seek out the place where the sun is visible as it rises and sets here in the mountains, it is the thing that I have missed. Here in the village surrounded by mountains that one simple pleasure is blocked out by the magnificence of the mountains.
All at once I remember the sunrises and sunsets in Wales, visible from the house in which I lived and the times that I sat on the beach waiting for the sun to rise or set. The times when I was leaving my home for work in London, Liverpool and Colchester and I watched the sun rise as I commuted from home to office. Be that on the train, standing at a bus stop or walking through the city. I always loved that time of day, the colours so vivid and the sound of the birds waking. I knew that I loved it and also appreciated it at the time but I had not consciously missed it . Today my conscience was pricked and I ache to see a sunrise in all it’s splendour.
Sitting by the window I look at the birds emerging from their resting place, the blue tits getting busy collecting materials for their nests, blackbirds searching the ground for the early worms. Crows swooping and landing on the rooftops as they squawk their greetings to each other. I breathe and enjoy the moment, every moment has it’ s own sweet joy.
Slowly the village begins to wake, I hear the cows in the sheds across the road as they prepae to be milked, the horses neighing as they are turned out into the fields and I spy the neighbours cat hanging onto the door knocker in her usual peculiar fashion as she begs to be let in. All happy to see a new day dawning.
Cars begin to move down the hill into the village and head on into the city or neighbouring towns to work, women make their way to the supermarket for the bread and cheese for breakfast and workmen appear to begin mowing lawns and planting flowers. Industrious as ever in a different way to that in which I grew up.
As I cast my eyes out across the activity I know that I am not ready for this world of quiet inaction, unstructured days, relaxation to the max. I need to have a structure, I need to be industrious, I want purpose in my life.
I realise, as I sit here in the early hours of the day, that I have been sleeping. Sleeping Furiously, while life goes on around me.
I have been hibernating, hiding from the world. As spring nudges nature to do it’s thing so it is waking me up too. Waking me to the endless possibilities in life, to the things that I have always loved but allowed myself to lose sight of. Depression and Anxiety has a way of stealing your life and shutting you down. The Dawn today was waking me to what it is I love and miss in life. Whispering to me to find a balance and a logic. Urging me to find the strength to rekindle my love of life and find a way to bring those things I held dear back into the fold.
I am awake, it is time to set about creating (or recreating)a good life. Finding a balance. Life doesn’t have to be one thing it can be many parts made into a whole.
in response to today’s wordprompt Bedtime