For Today

a watery sun
The watery sun is trying it’s hardest to break through the grey clouds outside my window as I sit here taking a break from my chores. The horses that pull the sleighs are resting in the fields behind the house and when I wander to the back of the house where the windows are ajar to allow in air I can hear them neighing and whining. The farmer is busy milking the cows and I can hear the whirring of the equipment as it moves the hay backwards and forwards, now and again I hear a mooing of contentment. The snow is already melting despite it’s late appearance and slowly the village is becoming green again. I feel a little sad about that as I love the light that it provides in the midst of winter.
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I am thinking how to move my life forward. I have been here in Austria now for 6 months, during that time I have done very little in the way of work or planning for the future. It is time that I have needed to ground myself. Time to learn how to live in this old house and how to make the house work for me. Now it is time to start waking up as the spring approaches and spreading my wings further than the village too.
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I am thankful that I had the opportunity to take this time out but I am also painfully aware that I am slipping down a slope of apathy and abandonment. It is all to easy to lose sight of what I have and what I can do with my life as I am feeling ever so slightly sorry for myself after friends have been visiting and headed back to the big metropolis that is the UK. I am thankful for the peace and quiet of the countryside but slowly realising that I enjoy the hustle and bustle of a town from time to time.
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The weather has warmed up quite a lot today so I am wearing a simple woolen dress and thermal leggings with my thick thermal socks and furry boot slippers. I am happy to be able to wear something other than thermal trousers and jeans and I recognise how much I love to dress up and make an effort. Clothes have been my coat of armour for so long and I have allowed myself to slip into not considering or caring how I look.  Another thing for me to be considering as the days get brighter and my life goes on.
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I am creating a new home, it isnt easy. I must remember that these things take time. I lived in my childhood home for 26 years and my Mum continued to live there until she passed which was almost 40 years in total. The family home was my anchor and there were lots of things that I loved about the house. It felt safe and (mostly) warm despite a lack of money to decorate in the latest trends. I have never really followed trends when it comes to both my home and my fashion. I have spent the last seven years striving to feel “at home” and attempting to make various properties into a place that I can lay foundations but it has eluded me so far.  As much as I love this house and I know that I can make it feel like home I am not convinced, yet, that this is the place that I can finally put down some roots. My soul is wandering and my heart is fluttering. I feel as if I am flying but my wings are still not totally unfurled.  I catch a thermal and then lose it quickly again, stuttering and dipping. Gasping for air and a safe place to land
I still haven’t found that safe branch to land upon.
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I am going to sit with those thoughts, not worry about them and go about the business of making a home, building a life, learning a new language and trying to settle my soul. This blog will be a place for me to document my feelings and thoughts and help me to work out where my soul should be.
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I am hoping that by looking inside myself, being selfish and not self indulgent then I will finally know who, what and where I want to be.